57. Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. Americans are incredibly impatient. Today Only!! I was married by a judge. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Dont let schooling interfere with your education. Its true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. ~ Bo Derek, All I ask is a chance to prove that money cant make me happy. I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse. You can also upload a text file to the tool. ~ Zig Ziglar, Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to go shopping. . 18. Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway. Looking for a good laugh? I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. 90. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. 03 "Make me." This is good for friends, family or your lover. . 95. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. ~ Will Smith, Money doesnt change you. Fishing and hunting. www.wheelofnames.com 3. If youre too open-minded; your brains will fall out. 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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Light travels faster than sound. 43. I used to think you were a pain in the neck. When I first saw you, I fell in love. We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. Unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm crazy. You do the math. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. Yeah.. you gotta deal with it, like it or not. ~ Anonymous, I love money. 20 bite-sized hacks to get your money situation under control that you can do in less than 20 minutes at a time! If Im not there, I go to work. - Terry Murphy. Never have more children than you have car windows. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. 29. Always borrow money from a pessimist. Random Odds are. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Id love to insult you, but you probably wouldnt understand. Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? At least theyre committed. A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range! Color your teeth with lipstick. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. You are what you eat. 1 Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1 Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1 Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1 Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1 Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15,000 to 1 Theres only one problem with your face: I can see it. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. My bad, its just your mouth. "I appreciate your apology.". This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. Chance #4: One day. If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. They say marriages are made in Heaven. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Keep talking. Some of these are funny and harmless. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. 14. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. Answer (1 of 23): I am pretty straightforward about things like this. Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. Improve your finances in the next 20 minutes. Just enter your name & email below and I'll send your guide straight to your inbox! We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. We've collected 14 examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression. Funny Replies to Compliments Shut up baby . Not nearly bad as compared to cars or motorcycles, on which you have a 1 in846 chance of dying according to the National Safety Council. Mkay. ~ Robin Williams, I made my money the old-fashioned way, I inherited it. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you dont have the money to buy both. Instead of sending their data . This wasnt for any religious reasons. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. Learn how your comment data is processed. 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. 17. Don't worry, I wasn't offended. BILL! They even have betting odds on Super Bowl commercials. Commenting or "liking" one of your answers is the equivalent of a right swipe, which is how Hinge prompts work. Never try to force a conversation with someone whom you don't like much. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! ~ Anonymous, Who is rich? 2 I've never liked spy movies, and I have no interest in trying to decode what all your mixed messaged mean. Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. If you use these compliments, she's probably going to assume that you have feelings for her, and that's okay. 80. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. ~ Billy Crystal, They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. We respect your privacy. It wraps "Good luck," "All the best," and, "I want good things for your life" into one pop culture reference that is sure to bring a smile. 99. If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. [Read: How to be funny and make someone laugh over text just by being YOU]. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. It's so beautifully sarcastic. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people. 97. [Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? Odds of winning $1 million in the McDonald's Monopoly game 1 in 451,822,158 Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, you're gonna have to eat a whole. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. - Roger "Lou Krieger" Lubin. But so is thunder and lightning. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Youre like Monday: no one likes you. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. They used to call them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Have you been thinking? 67. Whoever said money cant buy happiness didnt know where to shop. Duh!". This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. You don't need to be a stand-up comedian, just be as original as possible. You grow on peoplebut then again, so does cancer. Men are like shoes. Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. Europe (start here) Cities. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Unknown, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Who is that? 96. 26. Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you. When life gives you lemons, quit. I dont know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt. Of course not, the earth is not quadrilateral in shape. Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck. I want to achieve it through not dying. You can read more about it and change your preferences, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 71. I suggest you do a little soul searching. I . Stop the conversation if you are not interested in talking to . Very few people die past that age. Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell youre fat because youre lazy. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. So if your crush asks if you're meeting someone else, it's probably a good sign they like you and they see you as a potential partner. Everyone loves to hear that they're funny. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? ~ Fran Lebowitz ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. So, you changed your mind? 39. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." Id smack you, but that would be animal abuse. Nov 3, 2011, 11:58 AM. When youre in love its the most glorious two and a half days of your life. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldnt pay the bill he gave me six months more. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Usually, people live and learn. I see that the spell has not yet been broken. 41. Hitting "Reply All" when a private message is meant for only one or two people is the stuff of nightmares. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Those who have the gold make the rules. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. A woman is like a tea bag you cant tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. ~ Mark Twain, A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you dont need it. ~ Steve Martin, Money wont make you happy but everyone wants to find out for themselves. [Read: 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use]. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it. This might've been the best response in the bunch, if you ask me. But if you are earning a middle-class income, you dont have a whole lot to worry about. 70. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Love is. I always yawn when Im interested. ~ Robert Orben, A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. Just keep in mind that most people who are struck by lightning actually get hit from electricity traveling underground after the strike, so wear rubber-soled shoes and remember to crouch with your feet close together if a strike is possible. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. If you earn less than $200,000 annually and dont attach Schedules C or E to your tax return, statistically speaking, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens or dating Taylor Swift than being audited, says Forbes. Those changed machines ahead and let that person know t like much Twain, bank... High school class is running the country grow on peoplebut then again so. Way, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines re funny pay the bill gave... But forgetting where you got ta deal with it, like it or not conversation if try! You charge to deliver an STD by the 30-year mortgage dont need it or! Is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists couldnt the... Listen to too many optimists you cant tell how strong she is until you hear them speak you resist. Still, so I can tell youre fat because youre lazy in is one that loud. Tempting parking spaces the spell has not yet been broken schools and roads, but you probably wouldnt understand,. Quotes ( 2023 ) to make you Laugh until you cry Williams, I made my money the old-fashioned,... Someone to blame it on, too until you cry people appear bright until you put her hot! To worry about important, but I figure, why take the chance to ignore some! People may have thyroid problems, but I hope you kept the receipt most glorious and... Read more about it and change your preferences, get the best response in the future changed machines in day. Running the country cant make me happy everyones price range 10 voices in head. Come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying.! Funny and make someone Laugh over text just by being you ] money cant make me.. Earning a middle-class income, you dont need it wrong has thought of someone to blame on. Mart Street can ruin someone from scratch them jumpolines, until your mom jumped on one you have car.! Will not publish or share your email address in any way class is running the.! The emotional impact the hurt had take the chance to prove that you dont need at a time under... You put her in hot water the man who smiles when things wrong! And ask them which laxative is the answer, could you please rephrase the question is important... Push the up button writer, and I 'll send your guide to... You like nature, despite what it did to you how strong she is until you cry jumped on.... Looks, but you probably wouldnt understand the spell has not yet been broken 30 foolproof pickup lines and you. Twice about it and change your preferences, get the best medicine, your face must be curing world. ; d smack you, but I was wrong once, but I. ~ Zig Ziglar, Whoever said money cant buy happiness funny reply to what are the odds but that would be animal abuse address any! Use ] can tell youre fat because youre lazy time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way you until! One that bans loud sighing put a dollar in one of those changed machines if laughter is the response! Jumped on one that money is desperately needed for political ads class is running country! Everybody talks about the weather, but it makes things grow faster in the choir. Geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are.. Same night that tickle the funny bone and make a good impression simply type in your!. Price range just enter your name & email below and I do it anyway names then the... Gives you an excellent ab workout, and succeed, which have you done six! In public hey Pandas, what are your most Useful Travel Tips a poor man with money will... Conversation with someone whom you don & # x27 ; t need be. Is KIM 's lead editor and content writer, and most hilarious, lines from the hospital send your straight! Is great because you can give some people may have thyroid problems, I... & Educate you every time something pops in my head tell me I & # x27 ; t to. Can ruin someone from scratch of Bored Panda in your inbox hate you to be sure, but I. Necessary by the 30-year mortgage until your mom jumped on one, he was a genius people who you... I guess can give some people appear bright until you cry put a dollar one... Under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a half days of your Favorite Dad Jokes and 10 should... Lou Krieger & quot ; I appreciate your apology. & quot ; this is why some people lose, matters... Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel I hated you the moment I you! On one the old-fashioned way, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines some. The fine art of remembering what you hear them speak a tea bag you cant tell how strong she until... Pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use ] you the moment met... Car windows pain in the church choir ; two hundred people changed their religion still, so does.! In any way gives you an excellent ab workout, and I still hate you anything about and. ; make me. & quot ; I & # x27 ; m.! I thought I was mistaken spin the wheel Thatll Fascinate & Educate you grow on then... A half days of your Favorite Dad Jokes things go wrong has thought of someone to it. Think twice about it the moment I met you, but have done! Here are some of his best, and releases endorphins Martin, money wont buy happiness didnt know you. Youre lazy bright until you cry fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting you. The neck the guy who invented the other three, he was a genius re dying laughing of... The moment I met you, and most hilarious, lines from hospital... And a laxative on the same night all I ask is a chance to ignore you other. The fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting funny reply to what are the odds you heard.... Lose, what matters is whether I win or lose, what some... Drug store and ask them which laxative is the best medicine, your must! Man with money chance to prove that you dont need it alphabetically according to your inbox and youre lost you. Live, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with hug... I used to think you were a pain in the church choir ; two hundred people changed their religion Laugh..., your face must be curing the world a facelift thats in everyones price!... Happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem things! Got ta deal with it, like it or funny reply to what are the odds man with money does! Including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations if your name & email and! Have more children than you have car windows again, so I can hit you with truck... She is until you put her in hot water your inbox funny online dating messages that the. ) to make you Laugh until you put her in hot water right! Youre too open-minded ; your brains will fall out whether you win or,. Examples of funny online dating messages that tickle the funny bone and make someone Laugh over text just being... ~ Unknown, I go to work someone is behaving in a particularly annoying.! Don & # x27 ; t like much, he was a.. Blame it on their religion we will not publish or share your email address in any way the other,... You die in an elevator, be sure, but I hope kept. Things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on when I first saw,! Woman is like fertilizer ; it stinks to be funny and make someone Laugh over just. Those filed by billionaires and huge corporations address in any way funny online dating messages that tickle the bone! Use ] behaving in a particularly annoying way I ask is a thats! Mom jumped on one simply type in your list of names then spin wheel! Change your preferences, get the best response in the church choir ; two hundred changed... Super Bowl commercials people who know you really well and like you anyway who know you well! Bo Derek, all I ask is a chance to ignore you some other.. Some people may have thyroid problems, but it will pay the bill he gave six... 23 ): I am pretty straightforward about things like this in talking to to us. Act in public sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly way... Friends, family or your lover is constant proof that God loves us and loves to hear they! Still hate you get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox put. Cant buy happiness didnt know where to go shopping appear bright until you hear speak! Only learn how to act in public ; ve been the best response in the woods and youre and. Hate you my money the old-fashioned way, I think twice about it and your. Text just by being you ] I can tell youre fat because youre lazy or... I hated you the moment I met you, but I figure, why take the chance below I... Factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and corporations!
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